Thrive Like a Mother Podcast

Eras of Motherhood w/Janiah Farmer

• Ebony Fleming • Season 3 • Episode 35

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On today's episode of Thrive Like a Mother I sit down with Janiah Farmer, mama of three littles, to have an open and honest conversation that started in the DMs about the emotional side of motherhood that often goes unspoken. We dive into:

  • baby blues
  • the grief that can come with closing the chapter on having more children
  • how to truly know when your last baby is your last

 

Janiah shares her personal journey, the mindset shifts that helped her through the struggles of postpartum and how she embraced the transition into her current season of motherhood. Whether you're currently in the thick of postpartum emotions, wrestling with the idea of being “done” having babies, or just looking for reassurance that you’re not alone— mama this episode is for you.

 

Tune in as we unpack the complexities of motherhood, honor the bittersweet moments, and find ways to thrive in every stage.

 

What era of motherhood are you currently navigating? Share your experience or connect with Janiah on Instagram @janiah_farmer_ to continue this important conversation.


Thank you so much for listening in! If anything in this episode resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you left a review or shared it with a friend or on social media.

And don't forget to tag me so I can personally thank you for helping me get the word out.

Follow and chat with me on Instagram:

Podcast account - @thrivelikeamother.podcast

Personal account - @thrive.empowered

Sending you light and love always!

Ebony Fleming:

Hey, love, I'm Ebony and welcome to Thrive Like a Mother On this podcast. We're scared for our truth, but that fear is what fuels us to truly live in it. You're in the right place if you feel like you're stuck in survivor mode and you're ready to step into who you were truly meant to be. I'll share resources and tools I use daily to help you in your journey towards a healthier mindset and to break the wheel of survival. The journey may not be easy, but you won't have to face it alone. I'm a mama of three, healing day by day from past trauma, and I'm on a mission to build a life I've always dreamed of but never thought was possible. So, love, if you're ready to believe in what's possible, let's link arms and thrive together. So first of all, janiyah, thank you for literally taking the time out of your busy day.

Janiah Farmer:

I know we're both full-time workers.

Ebony Fleming:

Thank you for taking the busy time, the time out of your day, really to just chat with me and share your story with our listeners. I think it's important, as mothers, to really know that we're not alone in what we're feeling, and so, when we connect a lot of the times, and when we were recently chatting, I realized that, you know, the conversation that we were having was something that, like, we don't hear often enough and we need to, like we need to talk about it. We need to, like I said, know that we're not alone. So I'm going to jump right in and I just want you to share a little bit about yourself and your, just your motherhood journey. We'll start there. So I have I got three litt littles.

Janiah Farmer:

They are affectionately referred to as as the littles um, big little, middle little and little little. It's just the term I actually took from a friend who calls her three kids the same thing um. So I have a seven-year-old Maddox, I have a um five-year-old Leo, and then I have a three-year-old Audrey, um, and so yeah, I've I've been in the game for less than 10 years.

Janiah Farmer:

Every day is a is a big learning curve. Um, still, seven years after being a mom for seven years, of course, like, still don't feel like I completely have my footing. Um, and not really sure I ever will. Like I, every day is a learning curve. Um, on top of that, I do work full-time. I work from home. Um, I am also in school getting my second master's degree.

Ebony Fleming:

I know stupid why would you do that? No girl, me too, not me too. But I can relate because I did the same. I did the same thing.

Janiah Farmer:

I'm like, why did I do this again? Like, okay, you know, trying to see the bigger picture at the end of the tunnel, you know, on top of that, trying to, you know, balance kids, work, marriage I've been married. This month will make 10 years that I've been married.

Ebony Fleming:

Congrats, thank you.

Janiah Farmer:

So, yeah, juggling all the things you know, and and and and, in my motherhood journey I have been, it's been a challenge, you know, trying to raise these little people who are going to eventually become adults, raise them and guide them in the way that you believe that they should go, while also still trying to maintain some sort of autonomy within yourself. You know, like, you have these kids that are depending on you and this house is depending on you. You know, if you have a spouse, a partner, that's depending on you, and then in the midst of that, you're like, okay, well, where do I fit myself into the picture? And so I think, for moms it's, it's so common for us to just put ourselves on the back burner, um, and that's worse, yeah, at the very end of the list. And that's where, you know, self-care kind of takes a toll. You know kind of dips.

Janiah Farmer:

You know, trying to rediscover what interests you Like people will ask me like, oh, what do you like to do for fun? And I can't tell them because I don't remember, um, or I haven't really taken the time to rediscover that part of myself since having kids because they have taken, you know, center stage. And then one of the things that led to our conversation that we had was do I want another baby? And I feel like she went through infancy and just babyhood in just such a quick way, like faster than my sons did.

Janiah Farmer:

I found myself kind of like oh, I miss having a baby. You know like, despite them running around, being loud, acting a complete, just utter mess, and you know you have a lot of days where you want to tear your hair out. But then you look at them and you're like you guys are getting big like really quickly and I miss having that little tiny, like literally this is about as big as they will be and you're just like oh, and it's so fast yeah, and it goes by so fast and, unfortunately for me, my favorite stage is that newborn stage, so I get like six weeks of just like oh, the snuggles, the stretch.

Janiah Farmer:

The scrunch is oh my gosh, I miss it so much. Just that baby smell them sleeping. All the time I had my postpartum journeys with my kids, everybody was different. My first one, I had like a routine with him and I think that's why he's so. I think that's why routine for him today is so, like you know, he's very particular about that stuff.

Janiah Farmer:

Um, I had like a, I had like a routine. We did literally did the same exact thing every single day. My middle baby, that was the one that I had like a touch of baby blues with, so I cried a lot and he cries a lot.

Janiah Farmer:

He cries a lot my, my daughter, though I at the job that I currently have, I ended up like I was I wasn't't working full time while I was pregnant with her, but I ended up getting hired on full time before I had her. So I was able to get the maternity leave with her. So I got I got 16 weeks with her and it was just the chillest. Like that was the time that I felt the most supported, just like I didn't have to worry about anything. So it was like a very chill, easygoing maternity leave. She's she's a little wild because she's three, but yeah, I feel like my postpartum journeys with each kid kind of shaped their personalities, as to who they are today. Yeah, and even in the midst of all of that, I still am like maybe one more might, might not kill me.

Janiah Farmer:

I have a friend now yeah, I have a friend now who has like a five month old and I'm just like, oh you can see it did you always, when you and your husband got together, did y'all always think that three was your number.

Ebony Fleming:

Did you have a number?

Janiah Farmer:

Well, you know what's funny about that? A month we started dating in high school. We are high school sweethearts. We started dating at 17. A month into our relationship, we determined that we wanted four kids and we had all their names picked out. None of our kids are named that. Today we had names picked out for our kids a month into dating. Like I said, thankfully none of our kids are named.

Janiah Farmer:

That because we were just, you know, crazy wild, and love teenagers yeah, but we said we wouldn't have four, we would have two boys and we would have two girls.

Janiah Farmer:

Somewhere along the line we got to three and it was just kind of like it's a little chaotic right now, like we don't and my husband is like well if we're, if we're better, you know, if we're in a better financial situation, you know, I wouldn't mind having a fourth one, but I don't think that's gonna happen and for me I'm just yeah, for me I'm torn, but there's a, there's a grieving stage that I'm kind of going through because I'm like, if Audrey really is my last baby, that's sad you know, Right, you have to process like you're.

Janiah Farmer:

you're at an end of an era, right? So there's no more. There's no more going through the pregnancy, there's no more feeling, the kicks and the rolls, there's no more going through, you know, labor and delivery, which I'm sure a lot of people would be like, okay, I don't want to go through that anymore. And then there's like that whole, that whole bonding experience with your new little person. That you're, you know, you're kind of foregoing when you get to that stage. And I think, for me personally, I'm kind of in between two worlds where I'm like, yes, I kind of want it, like I want another baby. But then I look at my three and I'm like, but you guys are growing up and you guys are reaching, you know, stages, different stages of independence, but independence nonetheless, and I'm like, do I want to start over with that? So it's a very, it's a very complicated yeah, the duality yeah, exactly it's.

Janiah Farmer:

It's just it's it's kind of like a double-edged sword, because it's like you miss. You miss that of your womanhood, of you being able to create and give life. And then you're like, yeah, like I don't, why would I start over? Like everybody's growing up and we're moving along and things are happening, people are, you know, everybody's progressing, why would I start over? But then there's that yearning, that longing to you know, to, like I said, reclaim that part of our womanhood and be able to create and give life, give birth, watch the incredible things that our bodies can do. Because, wow, oh yeah, let's talk about it, let's get into it. You know, um, so yeah, it's, it's a very strange place to be in and, um, you know, you got it. You just have to, you know, make a decision. Like what are you really gonna do? But I haven't gotten to that part yet.

Ebony Fleming:

I'm still, I'm still on the fence about it. Yeah, so yeah, because you're in it. I feel like this is a powerful moment for our listeners. Do you have any advice for a woman who's like in your same shoes? Like she's like thinking, okay, maybe this amount of kids, however many they have, is enough, but also maybe I could do one more. What would that look like, that possibility? How are you in like your day-to-day helping yourself process, like those feelings?

Janiah Farmer:

your day-to-day helping yourself process like those feelings.

Ebony Fleming:

So I think one of the things that kind of helps is being around other babies.

Janiah Farmer:

Yeah, being around my being around my friend's baby kind of helps a little bit because you, you, you get that. You can still get like a whiff of that life like you're, like, okay, this is what it feels like to hold a baby again, while also still having the choice to be like okay, I can give this kid back to their mom.

Janiah Farmer:

This is your baby, like I got my, I got my dose and I can leave and be happy with that. But I think, at the end of the day, it really is just a matter of like just examining your life, like looking at the different aspects of your life. Can you actually pull this off? Is it going to be? Is it going to be feasible with work with the kids that you already have now? Is your partner going to be supportive? You know those type of things, um, and that's kind of what I am going through right now myself like thinking can I do?

Janiah Farmer:

Because I was when I was talking to my husband about I was like we would have to change like a lot of things. Like like, thankfully, the house that we're in now we would be able to stay, but I'm like I'd have we would have to get a new car. Like, yeah, you know, all these things are going to change. Like how am I going to be able to get you know once the once the baby is born? Like what is that going to do for school, you know, and kind of looking like with both, with everybody's work, so not just moms but dad's work like does dad get a paternity leave? Unfortunately, my husband does not get paternity leave.

Janiah Farmer:

Yeah, we didn't either, yeah, so you know, those are the type of things that you have to examine when you're thinking, okay, could I, could I do one more, cause it is so much more than just money. You know, like, obviously, yeah, can I afford another kid? But then you have to think about what kind of mental and emotional space that you're going to be in, because you know, depending on the number of kids, like that could kind of make or break you. You know, um, especially if they are all close in age, like it's, it's like a whole Pythagorean theorem level.

Ebony Fleming:

Yes, so many different personalities.

Janiah Farmer:

Right and so many varying factors that play into it. And if you and your partner can sit down and have that conversation and say, okay, what does this look like for us realistically, you know, then that'll help you get to a decision a little bit faster. I think I don't know, because it can't just be a matter of, oh, we'll just have another one work it out Like, no, no, if you're in this particular mind space where you're not sure, then you have to. You got to go through the whole decision-making process.

Ebony Fleming:

Exactly, exactly.

Ebony Fleming:

So I want, so I want to swing back around because we're talking about like a lot, like we bring up the logical piece right and I think a lot of us we think of oh, my gosh, okay, I have to get the new car, do we have space in the house, how is that going to look, with schedules and things. But you brought up something that's huge, a lot of people don't think of. Can I mentally handle this? Because we talked about like postpartum, right, how each, every single baby that looks different and even from my own experience, it really does look different every single time. Um, like you don't know how a new baby is going to exactly your mindset, you have no idea. Let's try to maybe support, support our listeners in a way that, if they are thinking more towards the yes, I definitely do want to maybe have a look another, another little one. Can you talk about some ways that you were able to to support yourself or reach out for support during, like the postpartum days, knowing that you don't know what it's gonna look like mentally?

Janiah Farmer:

So you mean like if I were to have another one, or just kind of like the past three experiences, exactly like saying you guys are like, yes, we're ready.

Ebony Fleming:

How can a mother who's in that same situation of yes, we're ready to have another one, how can you, how would you have, how would you prepare mentally for having another little one?

Janiah Farmer:

so I think, given my, given my own experiences, I think I have to be intentional about what self-care means to me. I think a lot of times we hear the word self-care and we might immediately think, oh, I got to go out and spend money, I got to go get nails done, I got to go to the spa, I got to go out and have a nice lunch. And sometimes it really a lot of times it doesn't even require that. It is more so about thinking of the things that bring you joy, bring you some sense of joy, some sense of peace. That could be something as simple as going outside and reading a book, sitting in the sun, letting that sun hit you, feeling the warmth of it, can do that for you.

Janiah Farmer:

You know, taking a few minutes to just, you know, be alone, be in a space where you can be alone for just a few minutes. You don't have to be gone for hours, you don't have to lock yourself in the bathroom, you know, whether that's reading your Bible or doing some form of meditation, or talking to people who are going to support and uplift you and feed you the things that you need to be fed, like in your soul. Um, I think it's important because, while I had a different experience with each kid postpartum wise, I one thing remained consistent is that I got caught up in the world of postpartum and it was it was like to the point where I wasn't aware of anything else that was going around, because you're going.

Janiah Farmer:

It's a bubble yeah, you're in a like a very isolated bubble and the only person or people in that bubble is you and that baby. Nobody else is in that bubble. So, and going through the the various changes of you know, you're going through sleep deprivation, you're, you know, if you're nurse, I nursed all three of. So there was the breastfeeding thing that I went through and just you know, trying to feel like a normal person. I would establish those types of things early on, because the more that you, if you establish it early on and you practice it regularly, when that baby comes you might get knocked off of that routine for a little while. But you're gonna, you're gonna want to keep going because it's what, it's what feels natural to you. You've been doing it for a while. Same thing, very similar to like exercise, like if you've been exercising like a certain way before pregnancy, while you're pregnant, you can still do that same thing, same exact thing, and you can carry that on into your postpartum journey. Because what, what I want moms to know, like I want them to be self-aware and intentional about it, because I want what I want, because I didn't have this at the time, like to know if something feels off, you know you can pivot and make the necessary corrections.

Janiah Farmer:

I didn't realize what I was going through after I had my second baby. I didn't understand why I was crying all the time. I thought that it was just because I didn't know. I didn't, I didn't think I was going to be able to properly juggle being the mom of a two-year-old and a newborn, and so I just felt like how am I going to be able to give everybody the necessary attention that they need? And I cried constantly.

Janiah Farmer:

And it wasn't until my dad came to visit me one day and I didn't even say anything to him. He came in the door, sat down on the couch, looked me dead in my face and said what's wrong. And I just broke down. I was like, daddy, I don't know. I don't know what's wrong. And he was like you gotta, we gotta figure this out. If you need to talk to somebody, you go talk to somebody. We gotta figure that out. I love that. He asked me. He was like what can I do to better support you? And I said you know what you being here helps so much more than I think you will ever understand. And that man visited me every single Sunday for like months while I was, while after I had my second baby. So surrounding yourself with the people that are going to be that level of support for you enough to look at you and see that something is not quite right and be like what do you need from me?

Janiah Farmer:

you know, because I think that's another thing that we get caught up in as moms, like we have these babies. People come to visit who do they immediately flock to?

Ebony Fleming:

oh yeah. How's the baby? Hello yeah, like I wasn't just carrying them exactly.

Janiah Farmer:

They walk through the door even when they call you on the phone yeah let me see the baby, it's like well, I'm here, I'm I'm not here, you know, but having those people that will support you in that way where you know, yes, they will give the baby attention, but they will also look at you and be like, what do you need? Do you need something? Are you okay, right, right, because, yeah, we're going through. You know, the mom is going through some stuff too. So having that, I think, is so important, but, more than anything, really just kind of establishing, establishing that self-care very early on, what makes you happy. You don't have to go to Sephora, though. That is helpful. You can do that sometimes, not saying that you can't, um, yeah, but just even finding joy in the little things. Um, I, I, I have a cricket machine. I used to cry, just making random, random stuff.

Janiah Farmer:

I sing, I love to sing, so you know, just things like that that make you feel like, okay, I'm gonna be fine like, yeah, it's gonna be, I'm gonna be okay, right, yeah, I I I have to steady myself and stabilize myself at this moment, but after I do this thing I'm gonna be fine, you know, yeah, and I think that's that's super important, no matter how many kids you have, but especially if you have more than one, more than one yeah, very, very important for you to, for you to implement that, like asap, like the second. You see them two lines on that pregnancy test.

Ebony Fleming:

Yeah, start figuring it out.

Janiah Farmer:

Let me get my mindset together today, right now.

Ebony Fleming:

Yes, I love it. Okay, so I want to end on you sharing just some words of encouragement, which you've already done.

Janiah Farmer:

Our listeners are going to be like yes, girl, I'm there with you.

Ebony Fleming:

I'm, I'm. You know somebody's out there like I need to figure out what self-care looks like for me, but do you have any words of encouragement that you would give the mom that's in the very thick in the trenches right now with baby blues or that is just struggling on the opposite end of saying you know what? I can't handle this mentally and they're about to close, like that, that baby chapter of bringing life into the world?

Janiah Farmer:

I think, at the end of the day, for those who are going, for the moms that are struggling, you might be in the thick of it with the postpartum. You might be experiencing the baby blues. The one thing that I, I I want to literally if I could scream this out loud do not be silent about it. Don't be silent about it. If you feel some kind of way, reach out. I understand the stigma around it and I understand that. If you because I went through the same exact thing with my second baby I felt like if I had called because you know there were some people that's like oh, you need to talk to your doctor, call your OBG, and and I and I was afraid in that moment to do that, because I felt like the moment I said I'm sad and I'm crying all the time, that I would get slapped with like an immediate postpartum depression diagnosis.

Janiah Farmer:

And that they would immediately assume that I want to hurt myself or my kid, which was so not the case either way. I just emotionally could not contain what was happening to me. So don't be afraid to reach out. You know your body and your mind better than anybody else on this planet. So if you are feeling something, whether that be an overwhelming sadness, if you feel some sort of rage or anything like that, and you're lashing out at the wrong people not the baby, but you know your spouse you're just taking it out on the wrong people Definitely feel free to reach out. You can reach out to your OB. You can reach out to a friend, a family member, somebody that you feel like is going to give you the support that you need. But whatever you do, no matter what you can even you can even word vomit to a stranger on the street, whatever it is do not stay silent about it do not stay silent about it, because the more you stay silent about it, the the darker it's going to get.

Janiah Farmer:

And yeah, you don't want that trust me.

Ebony Fleming:

You don't want that.

Janiah Farmer:

It's a very dark place to be in, even though mine was very temporary. It was the darkest place I had ever been in my life and I never want to go back to that again and I thank God every day for my dad being that person, that lifeline for me, and that is something that I want the moms that are experiencing that to do, like reach out to a lifeline, have somebody, even if you, you know, join like a little mommy group or or, or somebody, or if you're a person that writes, you know, write it, write it, write it down, or or just have some sort of outlet to express that, um, anything to not be silent, that's the, that's the, that's the big picture at the end of the day, um, I think for my moms that are, that are in the same boat as me, where they're like you're closing that chapter.

Janiah Farmer:

It's helpful to kind of think of the things that you know what, what's going to come of this, like, no, you're not going to have any more babies, okay, yeah, that's, that's done. But what else do you have to look forward to? You know you, you get to watch your other kids grow and blossom. You get to take this time to rediscover you as a, as a person, not as a mommy, not as a wife, but as an individual. What makes me happy? What do I like to do? What are my interests? What are my hobbies? My husband and I, we've been doing this thing, not necessarily called date nights, but I like to call them date trips, where we will literally take our kids to my mom's we will hop on a plane and we will leave for 48 hours and we will come right back.

Janiah Farmer:

I love seeing that too, yes, so that has been something that we have like. As our kids are growing up and we're realizing okay, it's more so, leaning on this, okay, we probably won't have another baby um, we're rediscovering ourselves, rediscovering each other, you know, re-exploring our relationship and our marriage, because the one thing you don't want is your kids to grow up, they move out of the house, and then you're looking at your spouse like, ok, well, who are you?

Ebony Fleming:

Because I didn't really know you while our kids were growing up. Yeah, you didn't take the time to keep learning each other.

Janiah Farmer:

Right, right, because it's a continuous process as well as learning yourself. So kind of thinking of it that way, like yeah, it's a bittersweet phase, um, but I think knowing that you have this opportunity to kind of rediscover yourself and and and find new freedoms in this space is very helpful when you're kind of combating that sadness, um. So, yeah, yeah, that that's, that's my two cents on the matter.

Ebony Fleming:

Yes, thank you. Oh, and I know our listeners are just yeah, I know a lot of them are like yes, thank you, just for just for being here, just for being a light and being vulnerable and honest. This, yeah, this is going to help so many mamas out there. I know.

Janiah Farmer:

I'm so glad going to help so many mamas out there. I know I'm so glad, I'm so happy I I definitely being through this has made me want to do nothing more than just kind of pay it forward to the other moms out there and, let you know, give them the give them the things that I didn't necessarily have at that time. So I'm very happy to be able to do that.

Ebony Fleming:

Thank you so much. Well, where can our listeners connect with you if they want to continue just watching your journey, or if they feel comfortable reaching out to you and saying like hey, I really resonated with something that you said. Where can they find you so?

Janiah Farmer:

I am on Instagram. It is Janiah J-A-N-I-A-H underscore farmer underscore. I'm on Facebook, too, under the same Janiah Farmer, but Instagram is probably the best thing to get on.

Ebony Fleming:

Yes, awesome, I'll make sure I link that in the show notes too, so they can just pop on in All right. Thank you so much.

Janiah Farmer:

This was so much fun, fun.

Ebony Fleming:

I appreciate you for having me thank you so much for listening love. If anything in today's episode resonated with you, share it with your bestie or share it on social media and tag me so we can chat about it, as always, sending you light and love, and remember you are, you are worthy, you are enough and you deserve to thrive.

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Ebony Fleming

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